It's Jerky. Made from Turkey.

It's TurkeyJerkyTurkeyJerkyTurkeyJerkyTurkeyJerkyTurkeyJerky, oh, TurkeyJerkyTurkeyJerkyTurkeyJerkyTurkeyJerkyTurkeyJerky, hey, TurkeyJerkyTurkeyJerkyTurkeyJerkyTurkeyJerkyTurkeyJerkyTurkeyJerky, yeah!

Oh, my sweet, darling turkey jerky, how I have missed you. We have been apart for far too long. Perhaps that is the real reason I have not been eating this last month. I have been stricken by my need for you. Who needs men. I have you, lovely turkey jerky.

Nom nom nom

The harsh barren world of dating

I'm not cynical. Okay, I am sometimes, but not about everything. But I have turned into the cynical godzilla of the dating world. Even as I type this I am setting up a date with a fellow who seems like a lot of fun. There is a good chance that the only reason why "what are you wearing" didn't come up was because I am a master of re-directing conversations. Unfortunately that means I have no idea if I am going to be walking into a date or into a "great movie now let's have sex" kind of situation. The reason I know I am the cynical godzilla is because if I didn't stop to write down all the options the first one would not have even occured to me. How many people out there really meet the love of their lives on blind dates, or through agencies? Besides the ones in the commercials. You go on a date and don't put out there probably won't be another date. If you go and put out there probably won't be another date, just lots of bed play. Not that bed play isn't wonderful, but sometimes going outside is too.
Not to mention that the ex has had to come to my rescue a few too many times this last week. The only way I have been able to sleep is knowing someone was watching out for me. And he has been the one most able to check on me. I don't want to hurt his feelings, because I still care deeply about him, but I know part of him wants me to change my mind, and the more I talk to him the more he will think I am changing it. That's not fair to either of us.
So here I sit in the harsh world of dating, and feeling guilty about wanting to be here.

Shaky...

I went in to Urgent Care today after I had an...interesting... experience while typing. My hurt felt as though it stopped. Then it began to hurt and the pain wouldn't go away. So I went in. They did tests for digestional problems, but the tests were inconclusive. So they just switched my medications up. Now I am faced with the prospect of starting new anxiety meds, which is causing me some serious anxiety issues... Funny, that.

Shaking

Ugh. A few days have passed and while I have been eating a little better I have been waiting for today to start a slow and easy work out routine. I was rather excited. Instead I woke up every few hours from some bizarre dreams I could not remember, unable to see the difference between whatever I was dreaming about and the real world. A little disconcerting. I finally rolled out of bed about a half hour ago and I feel like crap. It's going to be a bad attack day. Maybe not one big bad one, but probably one of those days where they just don't stop. Not sure how I feel about starting a work out routine. Although I am considering walking to the grocer rather than driving. I would like a bag of pretzels, I only have meal food in the house and if I get into snack mode I will eat a meal instead. Not good. The grocer is about a 30 minute walk one way. Mostly flat ground. If I leave now it won't be too hot. It is still early enough in the morning that the humidity hasn't kicked in yet either. Although if I am caught out there when it does I will be in big trouble...

And then I realized

Have you ever flirted with someone so long you forgot what made you want to? I have casually flirted with a fellow from work for months. Nothing serious, you know: "anything for you" kind of comments. I was looking at him today and I honestly cannot remember why I started to flirt with him. I don't necessarily find him attractive. I don't find him funny. I don't find him to be an intellectual equal. So why did I ever start to flirt with him? And now that I have come to this realization will I continue?

Lyrical Layage

On the board that I currently live in there is a section called Flame Wars. That's where all the naughty, curse-y, not-safe-for-children stuff happens. A while back a fellow named Eldi (No, not his real name. You want his real name, you ask him.) started a thread titled "If you could have sex with...". It was a really neat idea. Instead having us think about who we would like to boink, we were to say what song we would like to boink. It stumped me. I love music, and I will listen to anything once. But what song gets under my skin, makes me want to have sex with it's bad ass non-corporeal self? It bothered me that I have never been affected in that way by a song. The songs that I like the most tend to be the one's that make me have a strong emotional reaction. Not because they make me think of something that gives me a strong reaction, but because they (the song itself) gives me a strong reaction. For instance :

• Never Again by Nickelback - Anger. Boiling blood anger. It pisses me off. I feel so light after listening to it.
• Ojos Asi by Shakira - Elation. When I dance to it I feel like I am dancing in the clouds every time.
• Fuel by Metallica - Excitement. My nerves dance and I feel as though if I stand completely still the world will implode.
• Return to Me by Dean Martin - Sadness. I have never cried while listening to it, but I ache inside.

It's obvious, at least to me, that music has a direct connection to my blood. I need it, to the point where if I don't hear some sort of music after a few hours I start to sing, creating it myself. Yet it was so hard to come up with a song that made me feel SEX. There are a lot of sexy songs out there, but none that every struck me so hard that I wanted it hard against the wall. Until a week ago. While watching So You Think You Can Dance I saw an exciting Jazz routine by Sonya. And while I didn't pay much attention to the music at first it followed me. It stood at the edge of my mind singing to itself until I couldn't take it anymore and found a copy of it. So.

• The Garden by Mirah - Sex. I feel it throughout my body. The beat drums up all the vital parts of me, while her voice touches all the sensitive spots. It's not even that outstanding of a song, lyrically, but damn. Her voice plus the beat and I'm in a puddle on the floor.
  

Call for cake

Lava cake, oh lava cake
Your chocolatyness cannot be faked
You fill my mouth with sweet bliss
If you were a man I would give you a kiss

..instead I will settle for eating you.
Nomnomnom