I'm not cynical. Okay, I am sometimes, but not about everything. But I have turned into the cynical godzilla of the dating world. Even as I type this I am setting up a date with a fellow who seems like a lot of fun. There is a good chance that the only reason why "what are you wearing" didn't come up was because I am a master of re-directing conversations. Unfortunately that means I have no idea if I am going to be walking into a date or into a "great movie now let's have sex" kind of situation. The reason I know I am the cynical godzilla is because if I didn't stop to write down all the options the first one would not have even occured to me. How many people out there really meet the love of their lives on blind dates, or through agencies? Besides the ones in the commercials. You go on a date and don't put out there probably won't be another date. If you go and put out there probably won't be another date, just lots of bed play. Not that bed play isn't wonderful, but sometimes going outside is too.
Not to mention that the ex has had to come to my rescue a few too many times this last week. The only way I have been able to sleep is knowing someone was watching out for me. And he has been the one most able to check on me. I don't want to hurt his feelings, because I still care deeply about him, but I know part of him wants me to change my mind, and the more I talk to him the more he will think I am changing it. That's not fair to either of us.
So here I sit in the harsh world of dating, and feeling guilty about wanting to be here.
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